DISCLAIMER: THE POST IS NOT INTENDED TO INSULT OR UNDERVALUE ANYONE; HENCE, HOW YOU CHOOSE TO INTERPRET IT (ESPECIALLY IF NEGATIVELY) IS UP TO YOU. IT HAS BEEN WRITTEN TO TEACH, ENLIGHTEN AND HELP ANYONE WILLING TO LEARN WITH AN OPEN MIND.
That disclaimer had to come in first hand, because I know this is a sensitive one. Some people are actually very sensitive to this kind of subject that it can begin to stir up unnecessary hate speech and stuff like that.This post was inspired as a result of my constant reflections about life generally: about the past, the present, and the future. A lot of time, problems and situations linger because of the choices we make and then ignorantly, we blame it on everything else, usually, except us.
During my dating years, one habit I had, which I believed has helped me a lot was that, when a relationship fails, while I am upset and angry with the other party, I NEVER failed to sit back and ask myself, “What could I have done differently?” “What did he complain about?” “What even led to the misunderstanding?”
It was never about who won… it is always about making it right the next time. This really helped me move on really quick.
I am certainly a deep thinker… (Duh! Why do you think I start blogging? To vent of course!)
A lot of times, we say things like, “I don’t have to change for him to love me.” Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha…
That’s a joke of the century. If there is anything that changes people in this life, it is relationships. Be it as a single or as a married person. The only constant thing is that it is either for good or for bad… that is where you need to make a choice. You can see my post on toxic relationships here for more details.
So I’d just stop my personal rants here, and just jump into my opinion of why you are still single.
1. It is your choice. Yes. You see? Not so harsh after all. It might shock some people, but it is actually some women/men’s choice to remain single at a certain age. Some people are actually not in a hurry to walk down the aisle… tie the knot… say “I do”. As I heard a woman who is over forty say it to me once,
“How do women subject themselves to doing another person’s bidding for the rest of their lives in the name of marriage? I’m not cut out for that crap!”
Boom! You see? She doesn’t give a shit and she isn’t ready to do the whole happily ever after with anyone… so you see that this person is unique and is among the minority of women who are actually single because it’s a choice.
Now let’s look at the majority…
2. You are not ready. Reasons for not being ready to marry might vary for different people. While some people are still focusing on career, some believe there is a level of wealth they need to acquire before they settle down, some people may feel they already have enough responsibilities and so are not ready to take on more, like; taking care of parents, younger ones, etc. Some people are not ready emotionally, may be due to a traumatic experience (especially heartbreak or loss)… emotional readiness has another side, where people have matured to the point where they can control their emotions… because those are the things marriage demands… you know…
However, the least reason some folks are not ready is the plain old fact that THEY ARE STILL GOOFING AROUND. How you translate it is your choice. Goofing around is broad… but to break down, the idea of marriage is still very ridiculous and not even in their plan in the nearest future. Hence, anything that tries to tie them down (like unwanted pregnancy, the other party is asking for commitment or is showing too much affection, etc.) scares the shit out of them.
[caption id="attachment_3468" align="alignnone" width="2458"] Photo by William Stitt[/caption]
3. Your expectations have become too high. I hope I can explain this without being to hard. So, if you list of the qualities you want in a man is beginning to look like you are describing our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ, my dear… you may need to add a few more years to the number of years you’ll stay unmarried. There is no such thing as a perfect man/woman (trying so hard to not sound feminist)… When you finely find your partner, you can choose to see him/her as PERFECT! What every other person thinks is now entirely up to you. You see that list (especially ladies) make describing; rich, tall, dark, handsome, kind, loving, romantic, great kisser, gentle, likes children, must support my career, must help in doing some house chores (hahahahahahaha… I laugh in Igbo language), must love God, must love my family, etc.
Please… please… they are not real. Seriously. Marriage is all about compromise. Sacrifice. Loving and tolerating your partner’s imperfections: you can’t have a perfect partner. Then where is the love?
You love people not because they are perfect, but because despite their imperfections, you can still see the good in them. (Please this does not include someone who wants to kill you ooo)
4. Your words. This is a very powerful one, but sadly, many people do not believe in this. The bible says, “Life and death is in the power of the tongue.” Sometimes we say things carelessly without knowing the impact it can have in our lives. I’d use myself as an example, once upon a time, I said to my friend (Engee) that if by 27 years I’m not married, I will go and adopt a child and move on with my life…” My dear at twenty-seven, I can’t even remember, but if I was in any relationship, it would have been with jokers and goofers. I had to sit back and reflect on my life. That’s when I remembered that statement; I started taking my words back. I started speaking into my future again… like there were serious prayer sessions, fasting, sowing of seeds and lots of positive confessions. Fast track to three years later, I am a happily married woman.
I’m not saying this is a sure way to find your Mr or Mrs Right. I just found the vacuum in MY OWN LIFE and filled it, so find yours.
5. You are chasing shadows. Please almost every young girl at some point dreamt of marrying R.Kelly, Tyrese, Vin Diesel, David Beckham, George Clooney, etc.… and any other celebrity we idolised, but darling, I know your pastor has talked about faith so much you have translated it into magic, but it doesn’t happen that way. Dreams are just fantasy, and guess what happens with dreams, you need to wake up… at some point you just have to, and it shouldn’t be too late. Fantasy should remain what it is and where they are, in your imagination, but in reality, you’ve got to make yourself happy with people IN YOUR LIFE that actually appreciate you.
So literally, some people run out of luck in marriage because they were/are busy waiting for someone who is not even interested in them or has never even thought of them or even considered them in any way. Someone who does not know them... They reject advances from good people all because of someone that has never (and may never) have anything to do with them.
6. You are ready, but have not found what you're looking for. I must confess, I totally forgot the people in this category. There are actually those are are good, genuine and ready, but haven't found what they are looking for in a life partner... all I can say, (becuase I was once at this point) is that you should go to God in prayer... specificaly ask him to "remove the weeds and the chaff, let the real person stand out." I learnt that prayer point from my elder sister, and my dear, it worked... all those young but not ready to mingle brothers in my life just disappeared... and my husband was the only one standing... I could see clearly now... it still took me a while, before finally accepting the deal. So, that worked for me, you may try it...
So I have come to the end of my thought trails here… now it is your turn.
If you found this post useful, pleeeeaase do not forget to like it, leave a comment and share with someone who might need it.
Before you leave...
I'd like to know what your experience was like before marriage, and if you are single, but you believe you have found the one or you are still patiently waiting... share some of your tips on dating or choosing a life partner in the comment section.
Thanks for stoping by...