Growing up, I always had an eye for tall dark men…usually cute, but not necessarily, as cuteness is relative: but at least, he should be tall and dark. Well, sincerely, I dated a couple of those, and found out it wasn’t about any of those things, because, on the long run, the reality of who they really are begin to set in, and I can’t but wonder what is more important me, the tall, dark, huge-framed cuteness before me or the lack of respect for me as a woman, appreciation of my womanhood and what I stand for as a person.
I have also been opportune to discuss with some folks who have said their mind about what is important to them…some believe it’s the beauty more than the brains. By brains, I emcompassingly mean; intelligence, wisdom, gratitude, hard work, selflessness, etc…specifically those non-physical features that appeal to our emotions and psyche, not the lustful ones about the body and all.
People make a lot of jokes about how women get more desperate in their late 20s or early 30s as a result of singleness. They begin to change their priorities, from tall dark and handsome to just about anything, just so they can hold down a man. I never found that funny even in my younger years because I always hated topics/subjects that stereotype the female gender…in a negative light.
I said that to say this, changing my priorities in men did not come as a result of desperation, it is as a result of maturity and wisdom to know that, to move forward in life and attain the heights I wish to, I don’t need a tall, dark dude, I need a man that is focused, stable and intelligent. A man who knows what he wants in life and is willing to go out there and take it. A man who wouldn’t tear me down, but build me up…teach me and help bring out the best in me (vice versa). Then I had to start listening and looking beyond words. I had to act less and pray more, as well as study more to enlighten myself about what is the proper thing to do to be ready for that kind of man also.
Let’s talk about Beauty first. Let’s see the qualities that represent beauty in the physical sense of the word: height, skin color, texture and tone, voice, shape (curves), perfectly fit facial features, etc. Yeah. So a person has all these and so what? You’re happy with them? What? Really? When he is not around you, what do you miss? Think critically, you miss his eyes…His muscular body? Really? If it’s a lady, when she is not around, you miss her perfect curves…her green eyes? Think about it…that’s unrealistic and delusional! I mean I don’t miss my brother/sister or my friend...because a spouse/partner should fill all those kid of vacuum in your life…so I don’t miss my loved ones because of their physical features. I miss them because of who they are…their personality…the counseling, advice, friendship, companionship, etc…that is what you miss not their looks!
So a girl/boy is not so perfect in physical appearance, but they respect you, appreciate you, acknowledge your skills and intelligence and even encourage/motivate you to become a better person in every way they can. How do you feel about that kind of person? He is there for you in times of need, a perfect friend that you can always count on, but who isn’t Miss World or Mr. Universe. Someone who is proud to show you off, not like a trophy won after a conquest, but as a friend in need and indeed. A person who is in with you both at good and bad times, who isn’t there just for the good times: how do you treat them? Like crap? Like you think they are not that important except they add more beauty to all these qualities, then they don’t stand a chance.
So many people have written books on the concept of ‘love’ and yet couldn’t solve the mystery behind the word. I’m not here to write a book, but I tell you what I know. Love is simple and complicated at the same time. Love can be magical and unexplainable and yet also a pure wide-opened-eye choice people make everyday. Nevertheless, the highest and best explanation is the one given in the bible where it was said that, “While we were yet sinners, Christ died for us.” This refers to a typical state of loving someone irrespective of his or her shortcomings. However, Jesus has died, you don’t need to die again…I say this because someone can misunderstand me and decide to stay in that unhealthy and abusive relationship that threatens his/her life…I’m not talking abut that kind of love…that’s like loving and eating excess cake knowing it’ll only increase your risk of getting obese and diabetic. No, not that.
I mean loving someone even though he/she doesn’t have MBA or isn’t tall dark and handsome, loving even when…especially when they hurt you (but they are sorry and are willing to be better). Loving someone irrespective of his or her social status, etc.
Now I don’t know what has been the modus operandi in your relationship…with whomever, but it’s been turbulent anyway. You need to ask yourself, do you want it to work? Is it worth it? If your answers to these questions are positive, then you need to sit and think about what is most important to you in that relationship. Three things are involved:
- If it’s something you can get fine.
- If it’s something you cannot get, but you can ignore, tolerate, endure and manage, fine.
- If it’s something you cannot get, but you can’t compromise, then you’ve got to do what needs to be done.